Scott, part three

In the fall of 1992 I went back to school. I started at Humber College, taking a business program.

At the same time, I managed to convince Scott to try and go back to high school, to see if he could get his diploma as well.

I was feeling wonderful. Dad had given me my car back, so that I could get to school, and enjoy some freedom. I dropped Scott off at school each morning, and in the evenings we would often go out together, go for drinks, play pool, hang out with old friends.

By the end of September I had made a whole new group of friends at school. I was on the softball team, staying late to work on assignments, or going to the bar after school. I was starting to see less and less of Scott.

Scott had a new group of friends too. Some guys from school were renting the basement of the house across the street from us, and he spent a lot of time over there. Honestly, I was relieved. Although I knew he was going there to get stoned, at least I knew he wasn't moping around the house when I wasn't there.

It seemed we hardly were even connecting anymore. Weeks would go by without us having sex, sometimes we would go days without even seeing each other. Either I would get home after he was in bed, or he would be home after I was.

I would ask him to go out with me and my friends from school, but he wasn't interested in meeting them. I thought for sure he would have fun at the parties I was going to, but since none of my friends smoked up and got high, he was not interested.

The same would go for me. I had been clean for 10 months, and I was not interested in hanging out with his friends, watching them get high.

In November I celebrated my 20th birthday. Some of my friends wanted to take me out for dinner and we made plans to go to Red Lobster together. I really wanted Scott to come with me, I was still determined to make it work with him, and despite everything, I was still desperately in love with him.

Scott wouldn't go, and I was heartbroken. What should have been an awesome evening was darkened. I pretended all was well, made excuses for him to my friends, but I felt like crying the whole time. He tried to make it up to me, even bought me a beautiful sweater and gave me a really sweet card, but I think it was the beginning of the end for us.

I stopped trying. I stopped asking him to come out with me, stopped trying to make plans for just the two of us. We slept together in the same bed, but never touched each other. I stopped telling him I loved him, never kissed him goodbye anymore. I think I knew it was over, but just did not know how to tell him.

Near the end of December, close to the beginning of Christmas Holiday's, I went out with one of my new friends Missy, and her roommate Dave. I had been checking Dave out for awhile, thought he was incredibly cute. He was so different from Scott, had a good job, a social life, even owned his own house.

We we staying by each other's side all night at the bar. It felt great to be with someone who was giving me their full attention, doing what they could to make me happy. I loved having his arm around me, and when he kissed me goodnight, I kissed him right back. It was the first and only time I had ever cheated on Scott.

I went home that night and wrote Scott a letter. I knew I would not be able to tell him to his face. I told him how much I loved him, but that we were going in different directions and needed to be apart. I said I knew he was not happy living with my Dad, but I needed to be there, needed to make something of my life. I said I thought it was time he moved out, found himself. I never said it was completely over, but that we needed to take a break and figure out who we were on our own.

I told him he could stay as long as he needed to find somewhere to live. I was not kicking him out, but he needed to find something as soon as he could.

It was the hardest thing I had ever wrote. I crawled into bed that night and for the first time in a long time I kissed Scott on the head, and put my arm around him while I slept. I laid awake most of the night, trying to convince myself I was doing the right thing, but as I looked at him tears would come to my eyes, and I would not be so sure.

But that morning, before I left, I put the letter on my pillow, next to where he slept. I kissed him again and whispered I love you to him, and went off to school.

I remember telling Missy what I had done, she was so happy she squealed and jumped up and down in the middle of our computer class. I pretended I was happy and relieved, but this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach just would not go away. I had spent nearly three years with Scott. At 20 years old, that was a really long time.

When I got home Scott was not there. In fact he did not come home for days.

When he did we talked for a long time. We cried and hugged and he told me he understood. He had a feeling this was coming for a really long time. He would start looking for a place, and hoped to be moved out by the end of January.

So for the next month or so, we just went through the motions. Nothing ever came of Dave and I, he said he wanted to wait until Scott was gone, didn't want to be the rebound guy.

For lack of anywhere else to go, Scott still slept in the same bed as I. But with the late hours we both kept, doing our own thing, we never went to bed or woke up at the same time. We stayed on our own sides of the bed. And although he never told me, I was sure he was already seeing someone else.

Near the end of January, Scott announced he had somewhere to live. He and the guys that had been living across from us had found a townhouse and would be moving out the end of January.

That hit me hard. Although I was the one that asked him to leave, I could not believe he was really going.

I don't know what started it, but that night we got into a fight. Some hurtful things were said, and we were both crying. However neither of us went out, and by the time we went to bed, we were both emotionally drained.

I'll never forget that night. I was lying there, knowing it would be one of the last times I laid next to Scott. I could smell his familiar smell, and was listening to the sound of his breathing. His hand was on his pillow, right next to my face, and I reached up and held it in mine.

Tears were streaming down my face, and although I tried to muffle the sounds of my sobs, it woke him up. He reached over and touched my face, wiping away the tears. I looked him in the eyes and said I will always love you Scott, no matter what.

He smiled and told me he loved me too, and then leaned in and kissed me.

One thing led to another, and we would up having sex. It was the first time we had been together like that for over four months, and it was so sweet, so loving, but it so much felt like goodbye.

We fell asleep in each others arms for the last time.

The next day when I returned home from school, Scott was gone. He managed to get into the townhouse early, and packed all of things and left. I was not expecting it and it hit me really hard. I locked myself in my bedroom and refused to come out for the rest of the night. I found one of his tee-shirts in the laundry and fell asleep holding it, pretending he was there with me. I felt so stupid, like such a coward for giving up on him, but I was still sure it was the right thing to do.