Scott, part one.

I met Scott at a party. He was sitting under the stairwell, getting high with his friend named Cleatus.

I was walking up the stairs, with my friend Christine, when we spotted them there. Chris hung over the staircase, and said "Look Tee....there's a peeple under the stairs!"

This brought forth peals of laughter from the two boys. Chris had this way of sounding like a ditzy blonde when she was drunk, and this night was no different.

I was immediately drawn to Scott. If I were to describe to you back then what my perfect guy would look like, it would have been him. Tall, skinny, with very long, blonde hair and blue eyes. He wore tight faded blue jeans, and a black concert shirt. On his head was a bandanna, tied back to keep his hair out of his face.

We ended up under the stairs, talking to Scott and Cleatus for some time. For the life of me, I don't remember anymore of what was said, but I do know I left that party, wanting to get to know Scott better.

Over the next few months I only saw Scott here and there, at this party or that. Then he just disappeared, and I almost forgot about him.

It was late in the spring when I ran into him again. We were parked out in the boonies, a bunch of us with our cars. There were about 20-30 people milling about in the dark, having a few drinks, sharing a few tokes.

I came across Scott at some point in the night and we started to talk. I found out he had been kicked out of his house. He had stolen his Dad's car and wound up in jail for a week or two. He had just returned to Oakville, and was living on the streets.

So typical me, with my desire to help everyone, wanted to help Scott. I ended up driving around with him late into the night, getting him something to eat, and helping him find a place to crash for the night.

And so the pattern began.

Almost every day from that night on I would go to Oakville as soon as school let out, pick him up and we'd spend the afternoon and most of the night together.

We'd go park somewhere, get high, and share a slice of pizza, whatever.

We talked about everything. It was like I had known him forever. We liked the same music, the same movies, the same people. We laughed at the same jokes, and often found ourselves finishing each other sentences. It was like we were a match made in heaven.

Only problem, Scott had a girlfriend.

Gillian was her name...and boy she hated me.

She was younger, very naive, and was so in love with Scott.

Since she did not have a car, and had a pretty strict curfew, it was hard for her to see Scott. And once I came along, he was spending so much time with me; they never got to be alone.

Scott told me he wanted to break up with her; he just did not have the heart to do it. He did not want to break her heart.

I understood that he just did not want a girlfriend right then. His life was too messed up; he did not need that extra baggage. He was grateful to have me as a friend, but that was all he wanted. It did not stop me from wanting him though.

We continued on like that for some time. Spending nearly every day together, as friends. Gillian stuck around, never accepting him breaking up with her. She seemed convinced he wanted and needed her.

Eventually, as the summer wore on, Scott and I became closer and closer. He felt like my boyfriend, some people even assumed he was. We flirted, like girls and boys do, but it never went any further.

Until one night, late in August when we shared our first kiss. We were a little more stoned than usual, alone and goofing around. We were flirting quite heavily, play fighting and wrestling with each other. We had this running joke, teasing each other, saying, “I know you want me”, and countering with “Not as much as you want me”. We’d been doing it for months.

But that night was different. I could not resist anymore. He was laughing and smiling, something Scott did not do too often, and I wanted him so bad. I stopped and was looking right into his eyes.

He said, “Don’t give me that look”

“What Look?”, I asked.

“You’re looking at me with those Fuck Me Eyes”. He was always teasing that you could tell exactly what I was thinking by looking into my eyes.

I felt myself turn red and I looked away.

“I knew you wanted me…” He muttered, with a sly grin on his face.

“So what if I do” I said back, looking him in the eyes again.

Scott just stopped…looked right at me for a minute, grabbed my face with his hands, and kissed me.

It was amazing. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. Like he was meant to kiss me, like no other kiss I had ever received mattered anymore. I never wanted it to end.

We talked for a bit that night on the way home. We decided we would not tell anyone about what we had done. He really did not want to loose me as his friend; he wanted things to go back as they were.

So we did just that.

There were nights we would end up alone, and some of those nights we would find ourselves making out again. It would get pretty hot, but always stopped just short of us actually having sex. It was like it was just an extension to our friendship, and he was so sad and lonely, I think he needed to feel close to someone.

But things were changing. We just kept getting closer and closer. I don't know if it was the drugs, but I felt like we could read each other's minds. Sometimes we would sit in the car, just staring at each other for hours, but feel like we were having a conversation. We'd even laugh spontaneously, at the same time. I had never in my life felt more connected, more in tune with anyone.

It was my 18th birthday, mid November, when we finally had sex for the first time. At first it was just like any other night, but this time I would not let him stop. I wanted him so badly, and he knew it. We were in my car, in a graveyard. We were stoned out of our minds on LSD and hash. We had been having a great day together, he had been trying to make the day special for me. So when we got to that point. The point where we usually stopped, I looked at him for a moment, and he smiled, the smile I so rarely saw him give anyone. I knew I had to be with him. I wanted to be with him forever.

After that things did change. We started acting a bit like a couple around some of our friends. It was kind of fun really, like we had this special secret. When we were alone we would hold hands, kiss each other good night, sometimes spend the night together in his apartment.

But if any of Gillian's friends were around, we acted like nothing had changed.

Scott kept telling me she was fragile. He was so afraid of breaking her heart. He was afraid that everyone would hate us if he dumped her for me. He did not want to give that satisfaction to those who thought we had been screwing around all along.

He said he cared so much for me though. He wanted to be with me. I just needed to be patient. Someday it would just be us.

And like the stupid girl I was, I put up with it.

One night I went to see him at home. He had been expecting me but when I got there his landlord told me not to go down to his apartment, Gillian was there.

So I sat upstairs and waited for her to leave. When she finally did, she left crying.

Scott told me he had finally done it. He had broken up with her. He assured me she got it this time, and knew they were over.

He said that we should still not tell everyone about us. He did not want to hurt her more, make her think I was the reason we broke up. And I accepted that. I loved him so much; I was willing to do anything for him. I would take whatever I could get.

I was so happy that he was finally mine I practically lept into his arms. He seemed a bit hesitant, like he really was not in the mood, but I didn't care. I wanted to show him how happy he had made me.

But then I realized what was wrong. I could smell it on him. There was no mistaking that smell. He had just had sex with Gillian. I was so grossed out that actually gagged. I almost threw up on him.

I was completely humiliated. But I didn’t want to annoy him, make him think I couldn’t handle it. I just lied and told him I was not feeling well, I must be coming down with something. I got dressed and went home.

And of course, within days, Gillian was back. She would pop up at a party and suddenly Scott would be at her side, not mine. They would go off on walks together, "just to talk".

He kept insisting there was nothing going on; he was just trying to let her down easy. She was really having a hard time with the break up, and she got so upset to see me around him.

I pretended like I was cool with it. I wanted him to think I was mature, I could handle anything. The last thing I wanted Scott to think was that I was like her. I wasn't needy and clingy. I wanted to be the type of girl he wanted, and I was willing to wait forever to be with him.

It took me years to understand just how much he was using and manipulating me. He was doing it to both Gillian and me. I had never been taken advantage of so badly, before or since.

But this is not the end…only just the beginning. I will continue this another time.