Summer of 89'

After Mik died I think I lost myself for awhile.

I felt terrible that summer. I wasn't sleeping; I was drinking too much, and staying out all hours of the night.

One best friend had moved away, another wasn't speaking to me. Others were in serious relationships with their boyfriends, and we just did not hang out as much.

I was trying to find a way to soothe the pain and emptiness inside of me. I felt a lot of guilt and I felt so lonely. I just wanted someone to hold me and help me forget how sad I was. And so I embarked on a series of reckless relationships.

The first was Steve. Another Steve, not the one who later became one of my best friends.

I met this Steve when I spotted him on his motorcycle riding up Bronte Road in Oakville. Through his helmet he looked really cute, and I loved guys on motorcycles, so I followed him. He finally pulled over, we chatted for a bit and exchanged phone numbers. We had a few fun days together, an afternoon skinny dipping in my pool, and another evening in the backseat of my car. And then he stopped calling.

Then Shawn came along. Again, not the Shawn I have written about previously...there are a lot of Steve's and Shawn's my age. Dave's too. They must have been popular names in the 70's.

Shawn was the first and only boy from my school that I had a fling with. Unless you count the time Doug Moorehead kissed me at a party, but I don't.

I heard Shawn liked me, and I had always thought he was cute, so we hooked up. We ended up doing it in the front seat of my car...so very romantic. That was in early July and I did not hear from Shawn again until we were back at school in September. Guess Shawn didn't really like me that much, I should have known better.

Then there was Randy. Randy was friends with Mik's girlfriend Tammy, and Tammy and I had become really close. It felt good to hang around him; he seemed to understand what I was going through. He would go with me when I brought flowers to Mik’s grave, and sit by with me. He’d let me cry on his shoulder when I felt sad. Our friendship remained quite innocent and I began to think that I could be myself with him. I did not need to sleep with him. The first time we kissed, I was so proud I went home without it going any further.

A few days later, I heard through someone that Randy was going around telling everyone he and I had sex on his couch. I was devastated; I refused to speak to Randy again, and promptly went back to feeling like a piece of trash.

Then there was Mike. Mike and I had been friends for over a year. I met him at 404, when he was about to get beat up by a 6'8" guy named Vlas. I stood between them and told Vlas to pick on someone his own size. Mike and I became instant friends.

We talked on the phone almost weekly for about a year. We had different groups of friends, so we were able to confide in each other without fear of our secrets getting out. We flirted a lot, usually because we were on the phone very late and we'd get a little silly. His was a friendship I quite valued.

I talked to Mike a lot that summer; it was comforting to be able to tell him things I could tell no one else. He was going through a lot too, having trouble with his parents. Soon we were no longer just talking on the phone, but we stared hanging out together, going to Tim Horton's, sitting around his house watching TV, talking in my car all hours of the night

I'm not sure how, but somehow we ended up sleeping together. I guess we were so comfortable together it seemed natural. Being with him allowed me to release a lot of the frustration and anger I was feeling.

I know Mike was just using me, but he was upfront about it. He never tried to make me think we were anything more than friends with benefits. I fully understood what we were.

Neither of us really wanted a relationship with the other, we just each had something the other needed. We kept our relationship to ourselves, only a few of our friends knew. We would often spend time in his bedroom, and then go out with everyone, acting like nothing was happening.

It was Mike that ended it. I guess he was being the mature one of the two of us, and realized that we were on a slippery slope, and eventually one of us would get hurt. Other than the fact that our friendship changed, I don't regret our time together at all.

I met Bob through Charissa.

Bob was a bit on the weird side, but he was kind, he treated me really well, and really seemed to like me. He never acted like he only wanted to sleep with me, he took me out to dinner, bought me flowers and gifts, even brought chicken soup and movies over to my house so we could be together when I was not feeling well.

Bob scared me. He was much too serious for my destructive lifestyle. At first I took comfort in being taken care of, but soon I was itching to get out and party again. He just seemed too old to me.

Then Jason came calling. Jason and I had gone out that previous January, and he still wanted to get back together. I needed an excuse to dump Bob, and Jason was it.

At first things seemed good, but around that time I got really sick, and then my Grandmother died. Jason just was not sympathetic. He teased me about still being sad about Mik, and was not much comfort over the loss of my Grandma. I think he only wanted to get back together because he knew I was vulnerable and I would willingly go to bed with him. I don't think he was too happy about the extra baggage that went along with it.

It only took a few weeks, and I began to resent having him in my life.

Thank goodness it was around that time I ran into Steve and John. They brought laughter and joy back into my life, and helped me forget how sad I was. I was finally able to put that summer behind me and move on. I'll never forget it though; it felt like a lifetime had passed in only two short months. Two months that totally changed who I was.