Letting Go

I've always believed in fate. Too many times I have just been in the right place at the right time, or experienced the strangest coincidences. Things happen for a reason.

Around the time I was 21 I was going back to school, trying to get caught up after my son was born. At that time I was feeling a little overwhelmed, a little sad, and probably a little sorry for myself.

I was taking night school courses, so that when I went back to school full time I could take a lighter course load, and have more time to work or be with my son.

One of these nights I was heading down the hall to my class, when I decided to turn around and use the washroom first. I tried to use the one closest to my classroom, but for some reason it was locked, and I had to run back to the other side of the campus for a different one.

As I was walking out I was looking down at a book in my hand and nearly walked right into someone standing in front of the door.

I mumbled "excuse me" and started to walk away, but as I did I turned and looked back at the person and realized I knew him.

We looked at each other for a moment, I am sure I am the last person he expected to see coming out of that bathroom door, he certainly was the last person I expected to see on my college campus.

"Shawn?", I said

"Tee?", He replied

"OHMIGOD", We said at the same time. I put my arms around his neck and he took me into the biggest hug, one of the best hugs I had ever received.

I was floored. If earlier that day you had asked me what one person I would like to see right now, I am sure I would have answered Shawn. I had been thinking about him a lot, longing for an easier time, wanting to love again like I had loved him.

I stood back and looked at him, reaching up to touch his face. "Is it really you?", I asked. "I can't believe it".

He just smiled and laughed, making my heart skip a beat.

Shawn was there for a course that was only a few nights long. I was late for my class, and although I just wanted to stay and talk to him forever, we just couldn't. We made plans to meet after class for a drink, and I walked away, almost in a fog.

We had a great time that evening, catching up, sharing stories, talking about anything and everything. When it was time to go we held each other for a long moment in the parking lot and made promises to meet again.

For awhile we managed to stay in touch. It wasn't like either of us were looking to start a relationship with each other, but we were so comfortable, and we really enjoyed each others company. I was drawn to him, just like I had always been. And hearing his voice over the phone....I loved the sound of his voice

I think part of the reason I never got over Shawn is that I was never really convinced we should have broken up. I always thought if we had tried harder we could have made it work.

And it was not so much Shawn that I longed for, but the time that Shawn was my boyfriend. The time when I was 15 going on 16, where I still had so much to look forward to, where every day was a new experience. Where my most memorable, happiest moment had been when I was in my boyfriends arms, on a dance floor, surrounded by my friends.

So spending time with him, it was like I was able to close the book, let go of that sense of loss, and move on. We had very different lives now, and although our personalities meshed, our lifestyles didn't.

There is one moment however that I am grateful for. We spent a really great evening together, about 2 months after we met again. It was relaxed and fun, I felt like my old self. We talked about old times, about old friends, and talked about what we wanted for our futures. We went for a walk and held hands, it almost felt like we were an old married couple, it felt so right. And when it was time for me to go, Shawn walked me to my car, where we shared an unforgettable, sweet, yet passionate kiss. It felt so natural, so familiar. But it also felt like we were finally saying goodbye.

I can remember I cried a little on my way home that night, not so much sad that I was leaving Shawn again, but sad to finally come to grips that I was an adult now, it was time to grow up and leave the past behind. And I felt like I was finally able to let Shawn go, I no longer had to ask myself "what if", I had my answer.

Sadly, I let myself loose touch with Shawn again. We talked a few times after that night, and I saw him once or twice, but life got in the way. I've Googled him though, and have seen a few pictures of him here and there. Someday I might get up the nerve to email him, I'm just almost afraid of how it would feel.