In My Life...I Loved You More

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all....

An old friend from high school, who I ran into over on facebook sent me some pictures of our old crowd.

I can't tell you how much I am loving Chantal right now. I think she had one of the few good pictures taken of me from back then. The few I have I look either totally burnt out, or I have my hand covering my face.


And the bonus part, it is a picture taken with Steve and John, so it was taken at a time when I was quite happy, a time when I was more myself than I had been in years.

I've never written about the last time I saw Steve and John together. It is one of those moments I have etched in my brain. One of those moments where I wish I could reach back, grab myself, smack me up the side of the head and say "What the fuck are you doing girl?????"

It started when I met Scott. I've mentioned Scott before, usually in posts discussing low points of my life. I have yet to find the courage to write about him in detail, because I know it will bring up a lot of very painful feelings. Scott and I met while I was hanging out with Steve and John. The Guys didn't like him too much, they saw him for the loser he was, and likely saw what damage he was doing to me. And Scott didn't like them, although that was because he was jealous of our relationship. Otherwise there wasn't too much about Steve and John you couldn't like.

Once Scott and I started spending more time with each other, I naturally started spending less and less time with Steve and John. I still went over to Steve's on occasion, we'd play cards, watch TV, just hang out. But those times became further and further apart. All I wanted to do was be with Scott.

I went over there one afternoon to see them. We hung out for a bit, but I had made arrangements to pick up Scott, so I cut the visit short. As I was leaving both boys walked me to the door and hugged me goodbye. Steve looked me in the eye and asked me if Scott was really who I wanted to be with. John asked if I was sure of what I was doing. I could see they were concerned, and it really touched me.

I just laughed and told them I was fine. I really liked Scott, I wanted to be with him. But as I stood there on that front porch, looking at these two boys I loved with all my heart, for a split second I started to doubt myself. I felt an overwhelming urge to run back in that house, sit at Steve's kitchen table with a cup of tea and play Euchre with them until my cheeks ached from laughing. I wanted to go back to the way we were, flirting and joking, singing silly songs, being ourselves and having fun.

But Scott had me under his thumb. I felt drawn to him, and it was stronger than anything I had ever felt before. So I looked at them, standing side by side at the door. I smiled and told them would see them both soon. I was wrong. That was the last time the three of us were ever together again.

It was one of those moments when you make a choice, a choice that can change the direction your life follows. A choice that can change everything. I picked the wrong one.

I have long wondered how things would have been if I said "Fuck It" and blew Scott off that day. I know it's likely that eventually John, Steve and I would have drifted apart some other way, but maybe I would have been happier for just a few more months. Maybe I could have continued feeling good about myself and not become so dependant on drugs. Maybe I wouldn't have dropped out of school, and left home before I was ready. I wish I could write that things were good from that moment on, but they weren't

I don't like to play the "Shoulda Woulda Coulda" game, but this is one moment I do allow myself that. I keep it as a reminder to myself to follow my gut, to think things through. It reminds me how one decision can change your life, and some choices should not be made lightly.

Even now, writing this, it is really hard to fight back the tears. I look at that picture and I can feel John's soft dark hair under my fingertips, I can hear Steve's silly laugh, I can feel their arms around me as they hugged me goodbye. I want to feel those feelings again, to be 17 and truly happy.

I wonder if they ever knew how much they meant to me.

....But of all these friends and lovers
there is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more.
(Lennon/McCartney, 1965)