Just a sucker with no self esteem, Part 2

Well, I am sure everyone is just sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting to know what happened. No? Well I'll tell you anyway.

After Ron begged my forgiveness for the umpteenth time, things were going okay for a day or two. I even convinced him to go out together. Not like we usually did, going to the bars, with a group of people, hanging out, and then going home together. But out, acting like we actually were a couple.

We went and played pool at Formac in Burlington. We were there with Chris and Jay, and having a pretty good time. After a few games we were sitting, having a few beers, and these cute girls walked in. Ron started making eyes with one of them, I knew the look, and it pissed me off. We had agreed that we were out "together" that night. There was no flirting, or picking up other people.

So I did what any self respecting girl would do. I leaned over and laid a very passionate kiss on him, made it obvious he was with me. When I turned around the girls were gone, and from the look on Ron's face, he was not very happy with me.

Later, when we were lying in bed, Ron told me he was not too impressed with what I had done. I sat up and shamefully tried to defend myself, telling him I was just kidding around, what harm did it do?

He tried to tell me he didn't think we should be showing and Public Displays of Affection, he didn't want it to get back to Bonnie, it might upset her.

That was it. Bringing up the B word while we were in bed was too much. I quickly got dressed and walked out. I passed by Noel in the kitchen and mumbled something to him about Ron being such a prick and I left.

Somehow over the next few days I started talking to Noel again. I couldn't help it. Jay and Chris were seeing each other exclusively, and Chris and I were always together. Noel just always seemed to be around. He seemed to be happy to just take what he could get with me, and it was a comfort to have him around.

The following week, on Valentines Day, we all went to dinner at Chaps. Not only Chris, Jay and Noel, but Ron was there too. He had been really nice to me, trying to talk me into giving him another chance, but I was trying to be strong. I did make one mistake though. I gave him the Valentines card I had bought for him the week before when we were still together. It wasn't mushy or anything, just a little suggestive. I don't know what I was trying to prove, I just had it, and it was already addressed to him, so I gave it to him. I did not give anything to Noel.

During all of this Chris had been putting up with my constant fretting, worrying and indecision about what to do. Truthfully, I think she was getting kind of sick of it. Not only was she getting it from me, but she had to listen to Ron and Noel complain about it too, they were always asking her who I liked better, what they should do. She really took the brunt of it.

So it was no surprise later that night that she finally burst and told Noel that I really could not decide who I wanted to be with. She thought she was helping, but it had the opposite effect.

She told Noel was that I was torn between my feeling for both of them. Things with Ron were thrilling and exciting. I liked the feeling of being on edge and never knowing what was going to happen next. With Noel I felt comfortable and warm. Things were predictable and secure, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that.

Chris was only trying to tell Noel that I was struggling with the idea of settling down, because with him I felt I could do that. I wasn't sure I was ready to give up the party lifestyle. In typical guy fashion, Noel misunderstood and thought I had been telling Chris about what I thought of them in bed, not how they made me feel all of the time. He was furious. Being as drunk and stoned as he was, he started banging and yelling, calling me some pretty nasty names. Problem was, I was in the next room and heard the whole thing.

So I did some yelling and screaming of my own, calling Noel a stupid drunk, saying all sorts of things I shouldn't have. After all, he was the one who really did have a right to be mad. I had been stringing him along far too long. I was doing to him, exactly what Ron was doing to me.

As I was leaving, feeling pretty ashamed of myself, I ran into Ron in the driveway. He could tell I had been crying and wanted to know what was wrong.

I told him I was done with both him and Noel. I could not take this anymore. They had had me on an emotional roller coaster for months now, and they would not have me to toss around anymore.

Ron put his arms around my, tried to tell me he was sorry. He did not want to see me go. He could not commit to me, it just hurt him too much to see me with other guys.

I pushed him away. "You asshole," I said, "What the hell do you expect me to do? Let you run around with whomever you please, stringing along your poor wife, while I sit in the corner, waiting and hoping for a little attention from you. Not fucking likely. I am done. Leave me alone, go back to your wife. Happy Fucking Valentines Day."

And I walked away. For the last time. From Ron at least.

I tried to be friendly with Noel. It wasn't hard. He was always around with Chris and Jay, so putting some effort in was important. Ron did go back to Bonnie. And they seemed to be trying. The baby was due soon, so I guess he felt he needed to be there. Whether he was being faithful, I highly doubt that, but at least he wasn't around me.

I tried to stay just friends with Noel. I started dating other guys again, nothing serious, just going out to the bar, playing pool, things like that. I just kept thinking I wasn't ready to settle down. Howver more and more I would find myself calling Noel. Sometimes in the middle of the night, when I felt really alone. He was such a good listener, and it felt good to talk to him.

Late in March, my Grandfather died. I found out in the morning before I left for school, but I had an exam that day and still had to go. The first chance I had that morning I called Noel. He was the only person I wanted to talk to, it felt like he was the only one who could comfort me. I desperately wanted to feel his arms around me, and I went straight to him as soon as I could.

He held me as I cried on his shoulder, kissed my hair and told me everything would be alright. He made me feel secure and loved. Everything felt right being there with him. I realized I was tired, it was time for the craziness to stop. I wanted to be with him, like that, all the time. I looked up at him and kissed him on the lips, and asked him if we could try again.

"Of course we can," he whispered, "I was just waiting for you to be ready."

So that was it. We have been together ever since.

We have had a wonderful relationship. We love and respect each other, and have remained totally faithful. We've had our struggles financially, and emotionally, but we work through things, communicate with each other, respect each other. He has been a father to my son, and we try to see his boy as much as we can. We also have a son of our own and we are happy as a family.

This March we will have been together for 12 years, and married for six. But we still don't celebrate Valentine's Day. It just does not seem right. We have plenty of other things to celebrate the rest of the year, and that's just fine for us. I'm just lucky he is a patient man, or I could have missed out on something really special.