Whole Hearted

I had been avoiding writing about John and Steve, knowing that it would hit me hard emotionally. For the last 2 days since I started writing about them, I have been stuck in an emotional fog, thinking about what it was like to be 17, happy, and feel like I was a part of something really incredible.

Not to say life now isn't great, I just terribly miss those days, and have always felt like it was a chapter that was never properly closed. Shawn and I had closure a few years later, Kevin just kind of faded away, but I walked away from John and Steve, and I left something with them, a part of my heart, that I have never been able to fill again.

To continue where I left off, John and I started going out, and we were having a great time. I loved having him as my boyfriend, I used to stare at him, I could not believe how gorgeous he was, and could not believe I could kiss those incredible lips, touch that beautiful hair, and put my hand on that wicked butt whenever I wanted.

And god how I laughed when I was with him. It wasn't that he was goofy, or a constant comic, I was just so relaxed, and happy when we were together. We used to joke at the end of the night that we had to take our cheekbones out and give them a rest, they ached from the constant laughter.

About the only thing that was a problem was we were never alone. We spent most of our time in Tim Horton's, or hanging out at Coronation Park with friends playing frisbee. There was always a crowd of people around us, and we never really got a chance to have the one on one time I craved to have with him.

Eventually, our budding romance fizzled out. I will never forget the day we were at Timmy's and John asked me to go outside with him. We went around back to the parking lot, I had no clue anything was wrong, I just thought he wanted a minute alone. I sat on the trunk of my car and pulled him close to me, so that he stood between my legs and my hands were on his hips. But when I looked into his eyes, I could see all was not right.

"Tee, we have to talk, " he started, and my heart sunk, I knew what was coming. "I don't think it's working out. I was hoping we could just be friends."

My hands fell from his hips, and I could feel a hot flush forming on my face, as I tried to hold back the tears. My throat felt like it was closing, and I did my best to look at him and smile. I did not have the nerve to ask him why, I don't think I wanted to know the answer. I had been dumped and dumped others so many times before, and it just seemed easier to get it over with without a whole lot of discussion.

But this time had to be one of the hardest. Usually I knew before that things weren't going right, I had had no warning here. And John had been the first boy in so long that I truly cared for, he wasn't just another guy to help me forget about Shawn.

I reached out and asked John if I could have one more hug. I said if he was going to be my friend, I was going to have to be allowed to hug him once and awhile. The tears were already starting to seep out of the corners of my eyes, and no matter how hard I tried to hide them I knew he could see I was about to cry.

He held me tight for a minute, and I kissed him on the cheek. As I did I said very quietly, "I am going to miss you", then I turned and looked away. He asked if I was going to come back in to Timmy's, I told him I thought it would be better if I went home. By this time the tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was having a very hard time controlling the sobs that were welling up inside. I did not want him to see this, I had the feeling that if he thought he had hurt me, that I wasn't cool with it all, we would never find a way to be friends again. I told him I would be fine, tried to convince him that he just caught me off guard.

We made a promise to get together again soon, and he turned and walked away. I sat there for a minute and watched him go, his walk was so cute, yet incredibly sexy. He had this swagger that was so natural and carefree. I longed to run after him and fight, make him take me back, but I knew that would only push him away.

I drove away with a thousand questions in my head. What had I done? Was I too clingy, did I come on too strong, too fast? Was there another girl? Maybe he had decided I just wasn't pretty enough? Perhaps it was because we were never alone. We had only had one night alone so far, and we had sex in my car. But is was awkward, we were terribly stoned, and not to mention we were interupted by one of Brontes finest, asking if I was okay, and telling us to move it along.

It wasn't long before I could hardly see through my tears and I had to pull over. I stopped at Shell Park on Bronte Road, so that I would not have to drive the QEW while sobbing. The rest of the day was much of a fog, I know I ended up calling my friend Joanne from the Burlington Mall (life would have been easier if we had cell phones back then). After that, I have no recollection of what happened. Funny how I have blocked out many of the painful things.

I am not exactly sure how I managed to do it, but I did find my way back into John and Steve's lives. I seem to recall that it had something to do with Michelle. She had friends, who knew John and Steve, and we started hanging around them, showing up at the same parties. I also hung around with John's sister a bit, so I would run into him here and there. Sounds a bit like I was stalking them, but that was no the case, it just seemed like we were really meant to be friends.

A few months later, I found myself alone with Steve one night. One thing lead to another, and suddenly we were kissing. That night he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was something I had never considered before. Steve was shorter that I was, and I had not looked at him in that way. But I really liked him, he was so sweet and easy to talk to, I thought I would give it a try. Needless to say it did not work out. I think it was only a few weeks later that I found out he was cheating on me! But it had really fizzled out fast. It was obvious we were much better friends than lovers. He was like a brother to me. It just never felt right kissing him or making love to him. I think he was afraid of hurting me, and when he met someone knew he did not want to tell me. I had a feeling something had been going on, but it was funny how I found out for sure.

I was over at Steve's house, John was there, as well as our friend Rich Verbeke. We were sitting around in the basement, when the phone rang. As I often did, I went ahead and answered it, and was surprised to hear a girls voice ask for Steve. Curious, and a little sneaky, I asked who was calling. I think this irritated the girl, and she said...."It's his girlfriend" Shocked, but pissed off, I said "funny....So am I!" and handed the phone to Steve. I sat there for a moment, stunned, with John staring at me with a "Oh Shit" look on his face. I looked over at Rich, who I had dated briefly in the past, and said "Hey Rich, why don't you and I go hang out at your place" He laughed and said sure. I took him by the hand, grabbed my stuff and walked out.

It wasn't long before Steve and I got back to being friends. Sure I was pissed at how he had handled the whole thing, considering it was him that initiated our relationship, but with some coaxing from John, Shawn and Rich, I put the whole thing behind me. We had too much fun together to let that get in our way. Soon we were back to hanging out after school, going to parties, playing cards, and hanging out at Tim Horton's.

There is a song by Alanis Morissette called "Unsent" that always make me thing of John and Steve. It is a song that includes letters written to old lovers, saying what she had always wanted to say to them. I changed the names in these two verses, as they pretty much say what I would love to say to these two.

"Dear Steven,
I loved you muchly
You were nothing but open hearted and emotionally available
and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away
I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch
and cry in front of you for the first time.
You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself
What was wrong with me?"

"Dear John
You rocked my world
You had a charismatic way about you with the women &
you got me seriously thinking about spirituality
You wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass,
but I would never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though
That stopped us from going any further than we did
and it's kinda too bad cause we could've had much more fun"

Back to my love life.......

I have been trying to decide who I want to write about next. After Shawn, my next big romance was with a boy named John, but John kind of came as a package deal, part of Steve and John, so I am going to write about them together.

I met Steve at 404, like I met many boys that year. I actually dated a friend of his, Tom, but that lasted such a short time, and fizzled out.

Steve was such a sweet boy. At first glance he seemed a little nerdy, but he had such a big heart, and would do anything for you. And after you got to know him, his looks changed, you could see a handsome man under his boyish face, and long stringy hair. And his eyes were so kind, you knew you could trust him with your deepest thoughts.

One night, in early summer I ended up at a party at Steve's house. It was a going away party for two of his friends I had never met, Rich and John. It was a great party, lots of people there, and I was having a great time. Then I saw John.

He was beautiful. I cannot think of any other word to describe him. Tall, slim, with this adorable little nose. He had eyes that were always laughing, and he talked with this funny 'surfer dude' accent. Kind of like Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted, but before the movie had even come out.

But the best part was his hair. He had this soft, wavy brown hair, that fell below his shoulders. He had this way of combing it back with his hand as he talked, that was so natural, but almost looked like he did it just to make girls swoon. I just could not take my eyes off of him.

For some reason, John singled me out. Somehow we ended up in Steve's room with a few other people, talking on Steve's bed. I had been drinking a lot, so I do not remember the conversation, but I know it was very flirtatious, and I did not want the evening to end.

As I mentioned, this was a going away party for John and another guy Rich. It turned out John was going to move to Peterborough for the summer. And they were leaving that night.

It couldn't be! This guy was my dream man. He fit every cliche of what I found hot in a guy, looked like he could have stepped right out of one of those Hard Rock magazines I was always reading. But it was not meant to be at that time, I said my goodbyes, I can remember giving him a long, almost passionate hug on the steps as he left, with a promise I would not forget him.

That summer was crazy for me. So much happened that I put John to the back of my mind, figuring I would not see him again. I will write about that summer in a different post, I still have not figured how to work that one out. But I will say by September I was an emotional wreck, and ready to have some fun and laughter brought back into my life. And John was the one to do it for me.

On night I had stopped with my friend Michelle at the Tim Horton's in Bronte. I have no memory of what we had been doing earlier that night, but it was late. We were outside, talking to some people we had run into there, I had my back to the street. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, I was scooped up, and tossed over someone's shoulder like a bag of potatoes! I screamed for Michelle, who stood there and laughed while I was carried across the street.

When I was finally placed back on my feet again, who stood before me but John! I laughed and jokingly pushed him away, but then I pulled him close into a big hug. "What are you doing here!" I asked him excitedly.

John explained that things had not worked out in Peterborough, and he had decided to come back to go to school. He lived in Bronte and always hung out at that Tim Horton's. He thought he would never see me again, and was shocked to see me standing in the parking lot. I did not know what to say....I could not believe he even remembered me!

Steve was there too, as was Tom, the boy I had dated. We all stood around and talked in the parking lot, consumed a few tea's and honey sticks, before Michelle and I decided we had to go home. Unfortunately, I had managed to loose my keys! So we spent the next hour looking for the keys, before we gave up and called someone to pick us up.

Truthfully, I did not mind so much. I knew that this would mean that I would have to leave my car overnight until I could get back with a spare set of keys. Which meant I might see John again.

I don't even remember who picked us up, but there were promises made to see each other again the next day.

When I returned to pick up my car, I found out that Tom had stole my keys to try and keep us around even longer. At least that was the storey given to me. I did not care though. Steve and John met me to return the keys, and before the end of the day, John and I had our first kiss, and Steve and I were great friends.

And that was the beginning of a threesome that lasted for almost a year. The two of them became my best friends, and gave me some of the fondest and happiest memories of my teen years. Save a few emails from John over the years, I have not seen either one in almost 15 years. Yet I will always love them both.

I will write again about them, as the story does continue,I just don't have the time right now.