Whole Hearted

I had been avoiding writing about John and Steve, knowing that it would hit me hard emotionally. For the last 2 days since I started writing about them, I have been stuck in an emotional fog, thinking about what it was like to be 17, happy, and feel like I was a part of something really incredible.

Not to say life now isn't great, I just terribly miss those days, and have always felt like it was a chapter that was never properly closed. Shawn and I had closure a few years later, Kevin just kind of faded away, but I walked away from John and Steve, and I left something with them, a part of my heart, that I have never been able to fill again.

To continue where I left off, John and I started going out, and we were having a great time. I loved having him as my boyfriend, I used to stare at him, I could not believe how gorgeous he was, and could not believe I could kiss those incredible lips, touch that beautiful hair, and put my hand on that wicked butt whenever I wanted.

And god how I laughed when I was with him. It wasn't that he was goofy, or a constant comic, I was just so relaxed, and happy when we were together. We used to joke at the end of the night that we had to take our cheekbones out and give them a rest, they ached from the constant laughter.

About the only thing that was a problem was we were never alone. We spent most of our time in Tim Horton's, or hanging out at Coronation Park with friends playing frisbee. There was always a crowd of people around us, and we never really got a chance to have the one on one time I craved to have with him.

Eventually, our budding romance fizzled out. I will never forget the day we were at Timmy's and John asked me to go outside with him. We went around back to the parking lot, I had no clue anything was wrong, I just thought he wanted a minute alone. I sat on the trunk of my car and pulled him close to me, so that he stood between my legs and my hands were on his hips. But when I looked into his eyes, I could see all was not right.

"Tee, we have to talk, " he started, and my heart sunk, I knew what was coming. "I don't think it's working out. I was hoping we could just be friends."

My hands fell from his hips, and I could feel a hot flush forming on my face, as I tried to hold back the tears. My throat felt like it was closing, and I did my best to look at him and smile. I did not have the nerve to ask him why, I don't think I wanted to know the answer. I had been dumped and dumped others so many times before, and it just seemed easier to get it over with without a whole lot of discussion.

But this time had to be one of the hardest. Usually I knew before that things weren't going right, I had had no warning here. And John had been the first boy in so long that I truly cared for, he wasn't just another guy to help me forget about Shawn.

I reached out and asked John if I could have one more hug. I said if he was going to be my friend, I was going to have to be allowed to hug him once and awhile. The tears were already starting to seep out of the corners of my eyes, and no matter how hard I tried to hide them I knew he could see I was about to cry.

He held me tight for a minute, and I kissed him on the cheek. As I did I said very quietly, "I am going to miss you", then I turned and looked away. He asked if I was going to come back in to Timmy's, I told him I thought it would be better if I went home. By this time the tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was having a very hard time controlling the sobs that were welling up inside. I did not want him to see this, I had the feeling that if he thought he had hurt me, that I wasn't cool with it all, we would never find a way to be friends again. I told him I would be fine, tried to convince him that he just caught me off guard.

We made a promise to get together again soon, and he turned and walked away. I sat there for a minute and watched him go, his walk was so cute, yet incredibly sexy. He had this swagger that was so natural and carefree. I longed to run after him and fight, make him take me back, but I knew that would only push him away.

I drove away with a thousand questions in my head. What had I done? Was I too clingy, did I come on too strong, too fast? Was there another girl? Maybe he had decided I just wasn't pretty enough? Perhaps it was because we were never alone. We had only had one night alone so far, and we had sex in my car. But is was awkward, we were terribly stoned, and not to mention we were interupted by one of Brontes finest, asking if I was okay, and telling us to move it along.

It wasn't long before I could hardly see through my tears and I had to pull over. I stopped at Shell Park on Bronte Road, so that I would not have to drive the QEW while sobbing. The rest of the day was much of a fog, I know I ended up calling my friend Joanne from the Burlington Mall (life would have been easier if we had cell phones back then). After that, I have no recollection of what happened. Funny how I have blocked out many of the painful things.

I am not exactly sure how I managed to do it, but I did find my way back into John and Steve's lives. I seem to recall that it had something to do with Michelle. She had friends, who knew John and Steve, and we started hanging around them, showing up at the same parties. I also hung around with John's sister a bit, so I would run into him here and there. Sounds a bit like I was stalking them, but that was no the case, it just seemed like we were really meant to be friends.

A few months later, I found myself alone with Steve one night. One thing lead to another, and suddenly we were kissing. That night he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was something I had never considered before. Steve was shorter that I was, and I had not looked at him in that way. But I really liked him, he was so sweet and easy to talk to, I thought I would give it a try. Needless to say it did not work out. I think it was only a few weeks later that I found out he was cheating on me! But it had really fizzled out fast. It was obvious we were much better friends than lovers. He was like a brother to me. It just never felt right kissing him or making love to him. I think he was afraid of hurting me, and when he met someone knew he did not want to tell me. I had a feeling something had been going on, but it was funny how I found out for sure.

I was over at Steve's house, John was there, as well as our friend Rich Verbeke. We were sitting around in the basement, when the phone rang. As I often did, I went ahead and answered it, and was surprised to hear a girls voice ask for Steve. Curious, and a little sneaky, I asked who was calling. I think this irritated the girl, and she said...."It's his girlfriend" Shocked, but pissed off, I said "funny....So am I!" and handed the phone to Steve. I sat there for a moment, stunned, with John staring at me with a "Oh Shit" look on his face. I looked over at Rich, who I had dated briefly in the past, and said "Hey Rich, why don't you and I go hang out at your place" He laughed and said sure. I took him by the hand, grabbed my stuff and walked out.

It wasn't long before Steve and I got back to being friends. Sure I was pissed at how he had handled the whole thing, considering it was him that initiated our relationship, but with some coaxing from John, Shawn and Rich, I put the whole thing behind me. We had too much fun together to let that get in our way. Soon we were back to hanging out after school, going to parties, playing cards, and hanging out at Tim Horton's.

There is a song by Alanis Morissette called "Unsent" that always make me thing of John and Steve. It is a song that includes letters written to old lovers, saying what she had always wanted to say to them. I changed the names in these two verses, as they pretty much say what I would love to say to these two.

"Dear Steven,
I loved you muchly
You were nothing but open hearted and emotionally available
and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away
I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch
and cry in front of you for the first time.
You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself
What was wrong with me?"

"Dear John
You rocked my world
You had a charismatic way about you with the women &
you got me seriously thinking about spirituality
You wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass,
but I would never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though
That stopped us from going any further than we did
and it's kinda too bad cause we could've had much more fun"