The reason I am only writing about this period, is that the year I turned 23 I caught my prize, the man I eventually married. He is my present and future, so I plan on keeping him out of most of these stories.
During the ten years I am working on, there were a few of those boys that had a significant impact on me. I wanted to write a bit about them, so I have decided to dedicate my next few entries to them.
First of these would be Kevin. I met Kevin while still in Pampers, playing in the sandbox. His parents and mine were good friends, and we spent a lot of time playing together while our parents had dinners and parties.
I think I developed my crush on Kevin when I was about 8 or 9 years old. At first it was just a little girls innocence, imagining I would marry him in a fairy tale wedding. As I got older however, the crush became more serious.
Kevin paid little attention to me, he was more interested in following around my brother who was 3 years older than us. But I still imagined what it would be like to have him hold my hand, kiss me and tell me he loved me as much as I loved him.
As we got older, Kevin became very good looking. Even in his early teens, he had the look of an older boy, with sharp chiseled features, dark hair and these gorgeous, kissable lips. He was so cool, with his spiked hair, turned up collar, and brightly coloured Converse High Cuts. He reminded me of Judd Nelson in St. Elmo's fire, or Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Or for those of you who may remember him, he looked like a young Corey Hart.
When we were 14, Kevin's Mom and Dad split up. Really long story, but Kevin had to come and stay with us for a few weeks while they straightened some things out. He was going to the catholic school, and I the public. We both spent a lot of time hanging out with our own friends, so we rarely saw each other.
I know that during this period, we had a school holiday. I cannot remember which one, but since it was in the spring, it must have been either March or Easter Break. Kevin and I were often left home alone, my parents and brother would be working. I had these fantasies that we would be sitting on the couch watching TV and he would put my arm around me, or we would bump into each other in the hallway, and he would grab me and kiss me. What mostly happened would be him at one end of the house, me at the other, and we would not even talk.
One of the last nights he was there, my dad had lit a fire in the den fireplace, the room Kevin was staying in. Dad asked that I close off the vent when I went to bed, so the fire would go out.
I watched TV with Kevin for a bit, before heading up to bed, forgetting about the fireplace. I had been in bed reading for about 20 minutes, when I remembered what Dad had asked me to do. I crept downstairs and saw that Kevin was in bed, so I quietly closed the vent and left the room. On my way out, I stole a glance at Kevin, lying there on his stomach, with only a sheet covering his legs. I felt a stirring that at that age I was unfamiliar with, but I had an incredible urge to reach out and touch the smoothness of his back. I quickly turned away, before I did something foolish.
The kitchen was next to the den, so I made my way to the sink to get a glass of water. Standing at the counter, looking out the window to the street, I was trying to think of a way to get Kevin to notice me before his time at my house was up. I had decided that I would go upstairs and write him a letter, maybe hide it in his bag, or put it in his coat pocket. I turned to leave the kitchen and gasped when I saw Kevin standing there, right in front of me.
"Whaddaya doin?" he asked me. I told him I came down to close the fireplace.
"I like your pajamas" he said, looking me up and down. I felt my cheeks go red, as I realized what I was wearing left little to the imagination. I had on an old t-shirt, cut off just above my waist, and a pair of white boxer shorts, which had been washed hundreds of times and had become a bit threadbare. Kevin was just as exposed, he had not put on a shirt, and was wearing shorts himself.
"I see you looking at me" he said. "I was wondering why you do".
I was so embarrassed, all I could manage was "I dunno".
He moved closer to me. I could not believe what was happening. I had dreamt of having this kind of attention from Kevin for so many years, I had to keep reminding myself I was awake, and not just dreaming. He reached out and put his hand on my waist, touching the bare skin between my shirt and my shorts.
"Do you stare at me, hoping I would do this?" And he leaned in and kissed me! This was no 'first kiss' kind of kiss either. I felt his tongue pressing against my lips, and I parted them. Having his lips against mine, feeling his tongue touch my tongue, I couldn't believe what was actually happening.
I felt his hand move down, and he reached down under my shorts and cupped my bare ass in his hand. This was more than I was ready for, I broke off the kiss and stood back.
"What are you doing?" I whispered harshly to him.
"Come on Tee..." (everyone called me Tee)..."We've known each other all of our lives" He leaned in and kissed me again, this time with more urgency. He took my right hand and put it on his chest, as he ran his hand under my shirt and up my bare back.
I did not know what to do. I had always dreamt of being with him, but this was too fast. Too much, too soon. And I was so scared that at any minute my Dad, my Mom, or even worse, my brother would come walking in the room. It was very late, but if one of them got up to use the bathroom and noticed my bedroom door open, they surely would come looking for me.
I don't know how long we kissed for, but suddenly Kevin stopped. He put his hand to my face, leaned in and whispered in my ear. "I want you to be my first." he said.
I swear my heart skipped a beat. He couldn't possibly mean what I thought he meant. I had never even kissed a boy before him, and now he was trying to get me to go to bed with him?
"What do you mean" I said. I had to be sure I understood him
"Come to bed with me" he replied.
"Kevin, you can't be serious. We'd get caught for sure." I was trying to cover, I did not want him to know I was scared to death, and not just of getting caught.
"No one will know. We'll be so quiet." He kissed me again, putting his hand back up under my shirt, but this time at the front, and he cupped my breast in his hand.
"You feel so good" he told me. "I know you want me, I can see it in the way you look at me. It's not like we're strangers, We've known each other forever" he repeated. He took my hand again, and brought it down to the front of his shorts. "See how much I want you?" he said as he put my hand to his crotch.
I pulled my hand away as if it had been burned. Tears welled in my eyes, I was so confused. Here stood this boy, who I had longed to have touch me for nearly half my life. My lips still tingled from the feel of his kiss, and I would have been so happy just to kiss him again. But I knew this was wrong. There were so many things that were wrong about it. We were so young, we risked getting caught, not to mention the risk of getting pregnant.
I turned and looked back at the window. I told Kevin I was sorry, but I just can't. He touched my shoulder and told me it was okay. I turned to look at him, he stood there with a sly grin on his face.
"You know where to find me if you change your mind" He said. He kissed me one last time and walked back to the den.
I stood there for a moment trying to figure out what just happened. I could feel myself starting to cry, so I rushed back upstairs to hide my sobs in my pillow.
I laid awake most of the night, talking myself out of going back down to crawl into bed with him. I eventually wrote a letter to my best friend, telling her what had happened and fell into a restless sleep.
The next day, Kevin acted like nothing had happened. Of course we never were alone, so there was no way we could talk without drawing suspicion. At one point we were in the den with my brother, watching TV and I looked over to see him looking at me. He smiled and winked, but that was it. We never spoke of it again.
The next fall Kevin went off to private school, a 2 hour drive away. Growing up, I thought of him often, and if I knew he was going to be around, I would find some excuse to be home to see him. I only saw him maybe once or twice a year after that, the last time for many years was when we were 18 and I had already moved out of the house. My parents would keep tell me bits about him, here and there, and I loved hearing about all the trouble he was getting into.
I saw Kevin again a couple of years ago at the funeral of his step-dad. He looks years older that his actual age, he's married to a girl older than him, and is living in L.A. Obviously, we were never really meant to be, but some day I would like to have a conversation with him about that night. I have always wondered if he really felt the same way about me that I did did about him, or if he was just trying to get laid. I've always suspected the latter, but in my dreams, he was madly in love with me, but just knew our circumstances made it all wrong.
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